I broke it.

I would be lying if I said the last two years of my marriage have been easy.  The sad part in all this is that I was solely responsible for the damage.

Anyone who knows my husband knows how personable, charismatic and down right likable he is when he wants to be.  He's very easy going and takes things as they come.  He is more anti-plan than anyone I've ever met because he likes to go where the wind blows.

I know what you're thinking.  What did I do to mess things up?  You want the dirt.  Did I cheat on him (I'd rather die)?  Did I throw away his favorite sweater?  Did I make him stop doing the things he likes to do?  Did I cut him off from the entire world?  Was I too jealous or possessive?

No.

I didn't listen.  I didn't look at him.  I didn't pay attention.

Communication died.

He didn't point any of these things out to me because he isn't one to do that.  I realized them when I quit my job to stay home and my daily adult interaction was greatly diminished.  Without the distraction of everyone else's drama and the personal stress of working and balancing our home caused I fully realized that he was just going through the motions of being married.  I had killed every ounce of romance with my daily "to do" list and my incessant need to plan and control.

So how do I fix it?

I'm starting by understanding that my love for God should be showing through the love I share in my relationships.  I have to let myself be soft in most situations when the control is not as important as my husband feeling validated.  Does it really matter what we have for dinner?  Does it really matter if he doesn't go where I want him to go when I want him to go ALL THE TIME?  Some things and some decisions are important and he knows when to listen.  I don't have to dictate everything we do and when we're going to do it.  That kind of behavior can wear anyone down.

I have a long way to go to repair and edify the man that I love but I'm determined to do it.  I refuse to let the one person created for me feel like any less than the great gift he is to me and my children.  Sure, we'll get on each other's nerves and we'll disagree from time to time but that's a regular marriage.  The one thing I do know for sure is that with grace and time all can be made right...and that's a truth for any relationship.