A decree

I’m having writer’s block. Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Margaret Cho and try to alleviate my writer's block by claiming my nether regions are haunted (disgusting really). I usually write a lot but when I have an outlet, someone to talk to, these things don’t come as easily. I did sit down the other night to just freely write whatever popped into my head and I love doing that because it’s then, out of nowhere, that these thoughts and words come out that I didn’t know were hiding in the old noggin.

Every once in a while, it’s good to just let every fear, every anxiety, come out through the pen. I don’t like to use the keyboard when I do this kind of writing just good old-fashioned pen to paper because it seems so fundamental, so natural, that way. I’ve noticed, too, that I really only write when I am feeling overwhelmed by a circumstance or I am trying to analyze a situation (which I do a whole lot of). I don’t really write much when things are going well.

Writing for me is a lot like praying. A lot of us only pray when everything seems to be going wrong and we forget God when things are going well. I am so guilty of this, especially as of late. Things have been going really well for me and I’m not leaning on Him as much as I usually do. That’s not a good thing and I must say I’m not proud of it. So I’m issuing a decree. . .it’s a personal one, obviously, but I am going to start focusing on God again. Things always make so much more sense when I am where I’m supposed to be. It’s faith that has gotten me through so many things and made me a conqueror of circumstances that I could have never stood through on my own. If I don’t build on that foundation now, when things are awesome, then I’ll have nothing to stand on when things fall apart, which they will because that is the cycle of life.

Ring around the rosies

I have always hated love songs but it was because I never really, completely understood what they were all about. But now they've begun to make sense. I know...cheesy. A few blogs ago, I declared my desire to find earth shattering romantical kind of love. It's something that I had never experienced before but now I think I'm on the right path.

There's John.

I've loved people but never fallen in love. There's a difference and I didn't know that until I found John. I feel like I'm on a high but completely grounded all at the same time. I've never been more focused or more content. I read an article the other day that basically said that people who have found their mates, intially go all stupid and forgetful (that was sooo us for the first month or two). All they see is the other person and all other responsibilites fall to the wayside but once they settle into a routine things become comfortable and they become very productive. That is definitely true, well at least I think so.

Where my girls at?

I'm not what one would call a feminist by any means, but I am convinced that in a professional setting, I should be held to the same standard. . .without having to dress like a man. No power suits, please. Since I've gone back to school, I’ve been doing a lot of research with a focus on discrimination of women in journalism. It’s caused me to really question a lot of the standards that society has placed on women in the workforce and the role of the woman on the home front. Duh, that’s kind of the point of the project but anyway, I am having a hard time reconciling our places in society and our places in the home.

The second wave of the women's movement in the 70s told us that we can have it all, career and family but if we’re expected to be wife, mom, and professional, then why wouldn’t those same standards are placed on men (in the male terms, obviously)? Why do women have to place their careers on hold in order to raise the family?

At any rate, personally, I believe that a man should be the head of the household and should reign with love and consideration for his family, I am one of the dying few. But I also want to know that when I walk into a job interview, that my skills and qualities are what the employer will be looking for, not whether or not I have testosterone coursing through my body. But that also means duality in child rearing and chores and bill paying. Where is the balance? Is it even possible to find a balance? What do you think?

I ain't crazy!

I have started to psycho analyze myself which is never a good thing. For reasons that I can never fully explain to anyone, I have been having some anxiety attacks and they really aren't that pretty. What's odd is that I have been removed from the situation that has sparked these reactions for several months. I suppose it is the added stress of going back to school, being a single parent (with a lot of support from family and friends), major changes at work and cultivating a new romantic relationship (which should take a lot of work but oddly enough, it really has come entirely too easy).

While a lot of this is good stress, it is still hard to understand why I have reacted in such a way to certain things. I realize that no harm could have come to me in those instances but I still had an unexplainable panic. I suppose it was the inability to control the situation. You become helpless and you freeze.

It helps that someone very close to me has an anxiety disorder and can completely understand. Although mine has just reared it's ugly head, his has been ongoing for several years and has hindered him from fully enjoying life. Things he was once able to do, he can no longer participate in for fear of having an attack. While I hope that his gets better, I'm praying that mine doesn't become a full blown anxiety disorder. I suppose the only thing for me to do is continue to lean on God and rely on faith that He will see us both through.