Okay, so, now what?

So after the perfect moments have come and gone. . .you know, the ones I’ll remember forever. . .I’m left with: Well, that was awesome but what happens next? Although I know what I want to happen, it’s never fun to accept the fact that what I want and what I get are two totally opposite things. But I suppose that’s how things are supposed to be if we are to truly have the best.

I am the least patient person when it comes to dealing with other people. At least, I think I am. I am not willing to sit and wait for someone to make up their mind and I want everything to happen yesterday. I make plans and I think of ways to make things happen faster but last night I learned that best laid plans can never be better than what fate already has in store. It’s those times that we just let things happen, when we stop thinking about them (okay in my case, obsessing over them) that they happen.

All of these perfect little moments are a preview of the best that’s yet to come. The future will not be flawless but it will certainly be better than the past. Yes, there will be rough stuff to deal with because it's life, but there will be several picture perfect moments peppered through out.

When lightning strikes

There are always those moments in life that just seem perfect. It's as if lightning strikes and you happen to be standing there with a steel rod. Those moments are few and far between but they are never erased and they almost seem like a Hollywood creation.

I am learning to embrace these moments no matter the consequence, no matter how the situation will turn out. Sometimes it’s worth it just to feel like everything is right even if it is for just a little while. I’m not saying that we should live recklessly because it feels good, but we should at least attempt to live life to its fullest because it’s those little things that make the hard times easier to deal with. When something doesn’t go right it’s awesome to have those “perfect moments” to replay. There is no such thing as too good to be true. Granted things are not always what they seem but they are for a little while, even if it’s just in my head.

I refuse to live with regret and I can only look back to learn but must look forward with a hope for something better. There are some fond memories behind me but greater memories are lying ahead of me and I am determined not to miss out on them because I’m second guessing my decision. I have always felt that my life is segmented by events and it’s amazing to me to see the person I was at each point in my life and the person that I am growing into. I have to be honest, or conceited, and admit that I really like this person that I am becoming.

Oops, I did it again

I was in the shower this morning and was getting out when I realized that I hadn’t washed my hair. My mind was so preoccupied that I didn’t even notice that I hadn’t done it until after I had turned off the water and grabbed a towel so I had to turn the water back on and get back in the shower.

As I turned the water back on, I thought, “Here I go again, over analyzing a situation I have absolutely no control over.” I have such a hard time learning that what is meant to be will find a way and just letting it go. I find that I let whatever is on my mind rule me and that can’t happen. I’m always so curious to know the why’s and how’s that I can never fully let go and just enjoy what life hands me. I can never just enjoy a moment because I‘m wondering what would happen next.

Sometimes it’s good to refrain yourself from doing certain things. Other times it is not. Either way, I’m always left with a sense of “what if”. I don’t want to live a life of regret and sometimes my thoughts and my restraint keeps me from doing what I really should have done. I spend more time weighing out the options than realizing what is in front of me at any particular moment.

I sincerely hope that I am not the only person who does this. That would mean that I am much more hopeless than I originally thought. That would be a sad state of affairs.

OMG!!! YOU'RE THE ONE!!!!

I have been very sullen as of late, which is very out of character for me. I’m usually pretty happy go lucky but something has been plaguing me. It’s this “love” thing. My experiences with it have been muddied by different events. I’m not talking about love in general, but true romantic love. I know the unconditional love of my family and the love I have for my daughter, but the kind of love that chooses you. . .that’s what I just don’t get.

I do believe that I have been in love. I’ve been in various stages of love. Love created my daughter. But I have yet to figure out this can’t eat, can’t sleep, first thought of the morning, butterflies kind of love. I have to admit that I’m jealous of those who have it and I want to experience it. However, I’m not so desperate to have it that I will latch on to whoever crosses my path. I’ve noticed that guys don’t really understand that. They don’t understand that just because that’s what I’m looking for it doesn’t necessarily mean that after a few minutes of talking to you that OMG!!! YOU’RE THE ONE!!!! Nope. I’m waiting for lightning to strike.

There’s a saying that love is just a gamble and it is completely true. When you fall in love, the only thing you can be sure of is how you feel. You have no idea what the other person sincerely thinks or feels about you. Talk is cheap and unfortunately, too many people are out to take advantage of what you have to offer. Sometimes you win and sometimes the house takes it all. Is it really better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?

Anticipation is killer

I guess we all have those moments that we feel everything is slightly less than perfect. Lately, I have been feeling as though everything is just shy of being completely right. I don’t even really know what it is that I‘m missing. It’s like I’m waiting for something massively important. Anticipating this thing that I have no clue how to prepare myself for.

Sometimes I wonder if that’s what life is about. Waiting. Is that what we do? We wait for something big to happen. A conversation from Dazed & Confused continually comes to mind when these moods come upon me. It is a philosophical conversation. . .at least as philosophical as Dazed & Confused can get. They discuss how everything is simply preparation for something else. But what we are preparing for? Mike in all his optimism states that we are only waiting for death however, that’s not exactly my sentiments.

There are things that I enjoy and things that I continually work on. I consider myself under construction. I have learned a lot about myself as well as people around me. But what I can’t understand and what really gets under my skin is this feeling that I’m missing out on something that is so obvious. Like not wearing shoes to work.

I suppose that when the pieces all come together you just know. Like you just know when you’re missing something. Don’t get me wrong, I am certainly content with the way things are, but there is something out there that’s waiting just for me.

A work in progress

A couple of weeks ago, I went over to a friend’s house and was amazed at how clean and organized everything was. I thought this was due to company but later, upon a unplanned visit, I realized that it was always that way. I was really impressed because as the mother of a toddler, “clean” is a term open to interpretation. At any rate, this particular friend had some areas of their life that they felt was out of control and it dawned on me that the lack of control in one area manifested in an “OCD” desire to control their environment.

This little enlightenment on this behavior brought me to another conclusion. Sometimes there are things that we just don’t have any say in and trying to make up for it in other ways does not necessarily lead to happiness. Just because there was order in the midst of emotional chaos, it did not solve any of the real issues. Sometimes the only thing we can do is let it go and place it in the hands of God.

My true source of joy is knowing that these things that I can’t control are teeny tiny to God and that there is nothing He won’t handle for me. Soon enough, all of my disappointments and set backs are going to work together for the best and everything will be as it should. So until then, I will continue to grow into the person that God is shaping me to be.

I used to think that if I didn’t understand what someone’s motivation was, that they were just plain wrong for being that way. As I have gotten older I have had to learn to accept people for who they are. Doesn’t mean that I always understand, it just means that I recognize that I can’t change people. Learning to do that has really allowed me to accept myself.

We all have faults and tiny imperfections. Duh. But I’ve found that letting myself just allow people to be who they are, I am giving myself permission to be who I am. Although I try desperately to understand what motivates some people, it’s nearly impossible. Mostly because they themselves can’t always explain the why. However, the little light bulb does come on from time to time and I really enjoy the “sneak peek” into someone’s mind.

A time to read

I’ve just finished reading Queen of Babble Gets Hitched. I began it this morning at the Doctor’s office (since I waited for two hours and watched two people wheeled out on stretchers which did not make me opimistic about my prognosis) and finished it at approximately 4:45 this afternoon. But the story was an interesting one, nonetheless. The author, Meg Cabbot, has an uncanny ability to show love in a real way. It’s not the creepy romance novel, swooping-her-hoop-skirt-over-her-head-in-the-barn kind of love. I mean, cause really, who does that?

Anyway, it illustrated a point through this story that has clearly manifested itself to me time and again. Love is not an easy thing. There are those moments that you will never return for anything, but love is never black and white. There are all kinds of shades of grey. Love makes you do stupid things. Love blinds you. Love makes you trust without the slightest hint of a second thought. And ultimately, love confuses us to the point that we don’t know what kind of love we’re in.

There are different kinds of love. The ones I have observed so far are: protective love, friend love, romantic love and parental love. Protective love is a tricky one. I find that it is the one most confused with romantic love and it is also the one closest to friend love. Protective love is where we feel that we must save someone from themselves. I am so guilty of this and I’ve had to learn to discern this love from the others.

The heroine of the book I‘ve read, which I completely feel for because I am totally like her in a lot of ways, is caught between the man she is engaged to, who is perfect in all kinds of ways but totally wrong for her, and his best friend, who genuinely loves her and all of her quirks. Of course, I’ve never been in that particular situation. I simply relate to the way she can’t keep her mouth shut and her love for vintage clothing, not that I have the money to purchase or wear vintage clothing. But anyway, her friends all tell her that it is clear she loves his best friend and that he feels the same way but she doesn’t listen. . .Isn’t that how it is, though? It takes a lot of nerve for friends and family to tell us what they really feel about the people we feel that we have fallen for. It’s not an easy subject to tackle. “Oh, by the way, you’re making a huge mistake. . .” Who wants to say that?

At any rate, all’s well that ends well. But to quote from the book, “Because as I know from my study of the philosophy of time, whatever is going to happen in the future is already unavoidable.” Try wrapping your head around that one on cold medicine!