Big

Saturday evening we watched Big.

Throw back to a time when kids acted like kids.  A 13 year old boy was far more innocent than he is today.  Watch any Disney show for tweeners these days and you'll see a stark difference between entertainment for kids of the 80s and kids now.

As a matter of fact, the lack of quality acting and somewhat crude or cruel jokes has gotten some of these Disney shows banned from our home.  Jessie being one of them.

But I digress.

As we watched Big, Hadley and I reenacted the FAO Schwartz scene.  Elizabeth Perkins recaptured the essence of innocence by unknowingly dating an overgrown 13 year old and as they stood in front of a booth at the fair, beautiful music floated through the air and Hadley and I decided to dance with the characters of the film.  We twirled around the living room.  Hudson began to sway and I scooped him up in my arms as Hadley danced with Daddy.  When Hudson had enough dancing, John swooped in to fill his place in my arms.  I closed my eyes, nestled my head onto his shoulder and took in the moment.  The music of the movie began to fade and was replaced by the sound of the dishwasher as it whirred and the kids laughed and ran circles around us, their little feet pattering across the tile,  creating a whole new orchestra of sound.

These moments used to only happen in retrospect for me.  Typically these moments are marred by a "to do" list a mile long and thinking about the piles of dirty laundry lined up in the hallway or the fact that the car battery may be dead.  As I am getting older and my children are growing faster than I'd like, I've found myself stopping far more often and appreciating the moment I'm in rather than worrying about the things that are keeping me from enjoying them.  I've stopped planning the future fun and living for this minute.

My babies will only be little for such a short time.  Why am I wasting it?

Let's get personal

Some days I find myself standing in front of the mirror wondering who the reflection because I don't recognize her.  Those days come closer together than ever it seems.  My hair is longer and darker than it's ever been, usually pulled back.  I rarely wear makeup anymore and the closet is no fun for me to look into because my work wardrobe has dwindled to a uniform of t-shirts and comfortable pants.

I am at home with my kiddos every day.  This is hard work and the most rewarding "job" I've ever had but it's very easy to lose your identity in the day to day tasks and the overwhelming responsibility of molding future stewards of this world.

When I'm not with my children I am shooting other families, weddings and portraits.  I'm wearing tennis shoes and shorts.  I generally come home with grass stains and twigs sticking from my hair with fresh new mosquito bites.  I love what I do but it's easy to become a ghost behind a lens, as though I never really exist.

Days when I'm not getting along with my husband, when there's been one too many tantrums, when the paycheck didn't stretch far enough, it's hard to remember just how blessed I am.  The saying goes that a picture is worth a thousand words.  Scanning through my folders upon folders of family images and scrolling through all the pictures on my Facebook feed make today so much easier to get through.  No matter what comes our way,  no matter how much deeper the lines around my eyes get in one day, no matter how dark I color my hair to cover the gray, I can sit and look at images of my family and know that I am loved.

But, let's face it.  Some days are just plain hard.  Some days it's easy to forget.  Today is one of those days.

It's a Resolution, Baby!

Resolution is such a cliche term.  As overused as the word "awesome" and I don't like overused words or terms.  I have a list of words that I hate and will hide people on Facebook for using.  That's a post for another day.

Anywho, one year ending seems final and another beginning is hopeful.  Unfortunately, all those new gym memberships and organizational tools that we all buy because of our new hope will just fall into the land of forgotten resolutions about halfway into February.  So as I was taking a shower this morning I couldn't help but think about last year.

So before I decide to make a resolution (eww) I am going to reflect (ugh) on some of the things I learned in 2013 so that I can make some adjustments:

I learned that just because I am not working a 9 to 5 doesn't mean I have more time.  I am evaluating my business plan and I am taking time off from school to devote myself more fully to my husband and children.  Honestly, taking December off from both school and work has been the best thing for all of us.  Before the last few weeks, I cannot remember the last time I sat in front of the TV with my husband and kids and just hung out.  My face has been glued to a monitor for the last year and I'm pretty tired of it.  This isn't to say that I won't be working but I'll be doing less of it for people who really value what I do.  I ran into some doozies this year and I left those situations feeling empty and defeated.  Sometimes I forget that I choose who I work with as much as they choose me.

My 2014 adjustments (sounds so much better and more attainable, doesn't it?):

Slow down.  My kids will only be kids once.  My relationship with my husband as a romantic partner is just as important than the one I have with him as a parent.  I easily get caught up in the day to day but there are times that I need to stop and take in what is going on around me.  When I'm so busy buying groceries, organizing, getting WODs in and making sure all the bills are paid it's easy to miss that my family is missing me emotionally.  Relax.  Breathe.  Look around.  Sure, there's a giant pile of dishes in the sink and the floor you just mopped is filthy with cookie crumbs and scraps of arts and crafts but are my kids smiling?  Is my husband laughing?  If those sounds and sights are missing then I am missing.

And something I think we can all agree to:

Stop basing your life on what you know about what's viral and what's trendy.  Stop being outraged over the Phil Robertsons and Michael Moores of the world and make those around you see the light of Christ by reaching out in love.  There are real injustices, there are differing opinions (GASP!) and there are real and meaningful interactions right at your fingertips.  We are more connected as a globe as we've ever been.  Make those interactions count for the positive.  Most of all, if there is a disagreement it is simply that; a disagreement.  Just because someone thinks differently it doesn't mean they're personally insulting you.  Learn the difference.  Live in peace.

Happy New Year!

When lightning strikes

There are always those moments in life that just seem perfect. It's as if lightning strikes and you happen to be standing there with a steel rod. Those moments are few and far between but they are never erased and they almost seem like a Hollywood creation.

I am learning to embrace these moments no matter the consequence, no matter how the situation will turn out. Sometimes it’s worth it just to feel like everything is right even if it is for just a little while. I’m not saying that we should live recklessly because it feels good, but we should at least attempt to live life to its fullest because it’s those little things that make the hard times easier to deal with. When something doesn’t go right it’s awesome to have those “perfect moments” to replay. There is no such thing as too good to be true. Granted things are not always what they seem but they are for a little while, even if it’s just in my head.

I refuse to live with regret and I can only look back to learn but must look forward with a hope for something better. There are some fond memories behind me but greater memories are lying ahead of me and I am determined not to miss out on them because I’m second guessing my decision. I have always felt that my life is segmented by events and it’s amazing to me to see the person I was at each point in my life and the person that I am growing into. I have to be honest, or conceited, and admit that I really like this person that I am becoming.