Ahhhh, love. . .

So I'm over my PMS/Menstrual rage and I've run across some notes I jotted down a few weeks ago. I tend to get thoughts and inspiration in waves. In this case, they came to me while driving to lunch with my honey. I was thinking about how much different and special this relationship is in comparison to anything I had previously. There were so many things that I now have that I did not before and the irony is, I didn't even know what I was missing. Here's what those messy "driving while writing" notes said:

Love endures.

Love allows for mistakes. (And, as it turns out, cranky days when your hormones are uncontrollable.)

BUT love does not cause damage.

Love means accepting a person just as they are but refusing to accept inappropriate behavior.

Love is holding someone accountable to do what's right according to God.

Love is an intimacy, another gift, that is given by God and we must handle it with care, just as our salvation.

Beyond falling in love, when our brains go all wonky, it is a choice to love someone. It is a promise and it takes work.

Love is having the safety to express any emotion you may feel and knowing that it will be handled with the utmost care.

So those are the things that decided to find their way into my head that day. I realize that this all can be found in Corinthians but this was a personal revelation to me. I love when that happens. It makes you realize just how blessed you truly are.

A decree

I’m having writer’s block. Don't worry, I'm not going to go all Margaret Cho and try to alleviate my writer's block by claiming my nether regions are haunted (disgusting really). I usually write a lot but when I have an outlet, someone to talk to, these things don’t come as easily. I did sit down the other night to just freely write whatever popped into my head and I love doing that because it’s then, out of nowhere, that these thoughts and words come out that I didn’t know were hiding in the old noggin.

Every once in a while, it’s good to just let every fear, every anxiety, come out through the pen. I don’t like to use the keyboard when I do this kind of writing just good old-fashioned pen to paper because it seems so fundamental, so natural, that way. I’ve noticed, too, that I really only write when I am feeling overwhelmed by a circumstance or I am trying to analyze a situation (which I do a whole lot of). I don’t really write much when things are going well.

Writing for me is a lot like praying. A lot of us only pray when everything seems to be going wrong and we forget God when things are going well. I am so guilty of this, especially as of late. Things have been going really well for me and I’m not leaning on Him as much as I usually do. That’s not a good thing and I must say I’m not proud of it. So I’m issuing a decree. . .it’s a personal one, obviously, but I am going to start focusing on God again. Things always make so much more sense when I am where I’m supposed to be. It’s faith that has gotten me through so many things and made me a conqueror of circumstances that I could have never stood through on my own. If I don’t build on that foundation now, when things are awesome, then I’ll have nothing to stand on when things fall apart, which they will because that is the cycle of life.

Ring around the rosies

I have always hated love songs but it was because I never really, completely understood what they were all about. But now they've begun to make sense. I know...cheesy. A few blogs ago, I declared my desire to find earth shattering romantical kind of love. It's something that I had never experienced before but now I think I'm on the right path.

There's John.

I've loved people but never fallen in love. There's a difference and I didn't know that until I found John. I feel like I'm on a high but completely grounded all at the same time. I've never been more focused or more content. I read an article the other day that basically said that people who have found their mates, intially go all stupid and forgetful (that was sooo us for the first month or two). All they see is the other person and all other responsibilites fall to the wayside but once they settle into a routine things become comfortable and they become very productive. That is definitely true, well at least I think so.

Say what you need to say

I have found myself, with all my little trust issues, opening up. Yikes! I am still waiting for a pang of disappointment, which at this point is a totally unfounded worry and due in large part to personal insecurity. I don’t want to be taken advantage of but I also don’t want to miss out on something great because of fear. We all do that, I suppose. Let fear keep us from doing or saying what we want. It’s healthy to fear a consequence and we shouldn’t go off all willy nilly to accomplish something that will ultimately hurt us, but we shouldn’t allow the fear of rejection or isolation prevent us from even the slightest possibility of obtaining what we desire.

I have also learned that the possibility of things actually being taken at face value can actually happen. Yes, I know it’s crazy but it’s true and very rare. However, being completely honest for the purpose of making your feelings known (good, bad or indifferent) also presents the risk of being perceived as selfish. I have to say that other’s perceptions usually do not stop me from sharing what I feel compelled to share. If things go unsaid, then there is always that “what if” factor that just makes me uncomfortable. It is hard to find genuine people who are willing to tell the truth. When you do find them, you have to hang on, unless you like hearing lies, in which case ignorance is bliss. Well, it’s bliss until you fall flat on your face because you tripped over your own inflated ego.

So here’s the point: Say what you need to say (thank you, John Mayer) and open up to the possibility that you just might learn something in the process.

Short and sweet

Sometimes things just hit you right between the eyes. The good, the bad and the ugly. I love surprises and whirlwinds are not always displeasure because no matter what happens, everything always balances out. But I'm so tired of fighting insecurities and guarding myself against the dull ache of disappointment. I was once a very open person. What I thought or felt was on my sleeve for everyone to see but I am finding post-divorce that letting down my guard is harder than I thought.

The hardest thing about being so cautious is that there are people that I would love to trust. It's nice to believe in honesty but so hard to determine someone's motivation. Since I am so very direct and forth-right, it's a hard to believe that others can be so devious and that they often say things they don't mean to acquire some piece of me for their own gain. I do realize that in order to move forward I will have to learn to trust again, but for now the walls are up. I guess it's up to the right person with the right amount of patience to break them down.