Better but not new

One of my favorite things as a kid was a brand new spiral notepad. Freshly lined sheets of paper, blank and waiting for me to pen a creative narrative or doodle some awe-inspiring portrait of my 10th grade Algebra teacher who hated me with everything she had (she once told me to pee my pants because I had asked to use the restroom so you can imagine how flattering that drawing was).

Every year at this time I purge closets, reorganize and rethink the arrangement of furniture in our home.  It's as much of a symbolic gesture as it is a physical one.  Releasing what is old and no longer functional and putting things in an order that will suit a growing family (in stature and maturity, not in number, thank you very much) must be done.  Otherwise we become weighed down with jackets too tight at the shoulders, jeans too short at the ankles (or too narrow at the waist, thanks Christmas cookies) and dusty old papers that no one has picked up during the course of the year.  Sometimes it's that way with resolutions.  We make them thinking we know what will be best for us but eventually they just don't fit.

The ending of one year and the anticipation of the coming year always feels like that fresh spiral notebook.  I strategically plan with anticipation events that will pass and actions I will take in the next twelve months.  Last year, after a hectic season of shooting I vowed that I would spend more time with my family.  I was good for a while and then became completely consumed with making my business bigger and better.  In October, I realized that my bigger and better business wasn't making money and was causing far more strain in my home than it was ever worth.  Sometimes passion and doing something well just won't pay the bills.  I went back to working a 9 to 5 job and I haven't looked back.

There is nothing wrong with being a "resolutioner" and I hate that people have tagged some ugly stigma to it.  Frankly, after the holidays when no one is in a routine, it's nice to use the disruption to change habits.  Eat better, work out, blog more (who said that?!), work more or less, make more time for your family or deciding that you will throw all of that out the window if it just isn't possible.   That's the magic of a resolution.  Sometimes it just doesn't work.  And that's okay.  The point is not "new year, new you" but "new year, better you."

Big

Saturday evening we watched Big.

Throw back to a time when kids acted like kids.  A 13 year old boy was far more innocent than he is today.  Watch any Disney show for tweeners these days and you'll see a stark difference between entertainment for kids of the 80s and kids now.

As a matter of fact, the lack of quality acting and somewhat crude or cruel jokes has gotten some of these Disney shows banned from our home.  Jessie being one of them.

But I digress.

As we watched Big, Hadley and I reenacted the FAO Schwartz scene.  Elizabeth Perkins recaptured the essence of innocence by unknowingly dating an overgrown 13 year old and as they stood in front of a booth at the fair, beautiful music floated through the air and Hadley and I decided to dance with the characters of the film.  We twirled around the living room.  Hudson began to sway and I scooped him up in my arms as Hadley danced with Daddy.  When Hudson had enough dancing, John swooped in to fill his place in my arms.  I closed my eyes, nestled my head onto his shoulder and took in the moment.  The music of the movie began to fade and was replaced by the sound of the dishwasher as it whirred and the kids laughed and ran circles around us, their little feet pattering across the tile,  creating a whole new orchestra of sound.

These moments used to only happen in retrospect for me.  Typically these moments are marred by a "to do" list a mile long and thinking about the piles of dirty laundry lined up in the hallway or the fact that the car battery may be dead.  As I am getting older and my children are growing faster than I'd like, I've found myself stopping far more often and appreciating the moment I'm in rather than worrying about the things that are keeping me from enjoying them.  I've stopped planning the future fun and living for this minute.

My babies will only be little for such a short time.  Why am I wasting it?

Insanity

Everyone knows the definition of insanity.

Doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.

America is insane.

At least once a week I get a news notification on my phone about another mass shooting somewhere in America...yet nothing changes.  There have been 74 school shootings JUST THIS YEAR, and if you're keeping track it's only June.  That's 74 incidents in six months.  We shake our heads, wipe the tears of our mourning (unless you're Joe Plumber) and keep everything else in place.  After all, what is America about without the Second Amendment?

Well, we aren't about being first in Education.  That's for sure.  Because if we were we would know enough to read the Second Amendment within the context of the time of which is was written (much as the Bible has been neglected out of context but that is another post for another time).  Redcoats, Revolution...anyone?  No one is taking away your right to have a gun but everyone is wondering why nothing has changed in regard to how they are obtained and where the line of absolution is drawn in the wake of a tragedy.

Something HAS to give.  There are double locks on the doors at my child's school.  I have to be buzzed in to see her at lunch.  No, there is nothing wrong with added safety but what happens when the threat is already inside the school with her?  We live in Texas so I would venture to say that the vast majority of the children at her school are in homes where more than one gun is owned.  Should I send her to school armed with one of these bullet resistant blankets and hope I'm able to pick her up alive?

This image is heartbreaking.  This idea that we must teach our kids to protect themselves from an active shooter so that Joe Plumber can avoid change.  It's pure torture that a parent must consider these alternatives in today's world ALL because people are so worried about their entitlement being removed.  I'm so sorry to inform you that my child is also entitled.  She's entitled to a childhood.  A childhood where her only fear should be of the shadows in her closet and NOT the ticker on the news.  I should not have to answer questions about kids her age dying because someone took their mother's guns and showed up on campus that day.  I should not have to leave Target because some nut job thinks it's his right to show up with an assault rifle and expect me and my kids to get over it.  Who's to say HE isn't the next Elliot Roger?

Changes can and have been made in other countries after these events happen and the statistical changes in those countries should be enough to instigate a thorough investigation into what we can do to prevent any further loss of life.

Australia
The U.K.
Canada & Japan

Contrary to popular political beliefs (especially in the South), Obama has a terrible record on gun control.  As a matter of fact, our political biases and our inability as a nation to come together on anything has most likely made the situation worse.  But, no, we're too busy concerning ourselves with what goes on in the bedrooms of homosexuals than we are protecting our children from clear and present danger.  You can't change others but you can certainly change legislation to prevent kids from dying.  I'd say that something worth looking into.

What do we do?  If you're a parent, what would you do?  I certainly don't want to homeschool my child.  I don't want to feed the fear monster that lives at the bottom of my television screen.  Yes, bad guys are going to get guns no matter how strictly regulated but shouldn't we do what we can to slow the tidal wave?

Keep your guns.  By all means, that is one of the foundations of our freedoms.  But let's consider some alternatives to helping keep others safe from those who intend harm.  Is that too much to ask  I'm sure the parents of Allison Wyatt wouldn't think so.

And the family of Rachel D'Avino wouldn't complain.

Place your child's image in this thread.  Or your spouse.  Consider how you would feel if they were gone because a registered gun owner went nuts one day.  Would you tell me that you would say, "Well, they obtained it legally so I guess it's okay by me."

I highly doubt that would be your answer.

Let's get personal

Some days I find myself standing in front of the mirror wondering who the reflection because I don't recognize her.  Those days come closer together than ever it seems.  My hair is longer and darker than it's ever been, usually pulled back.  I rarely wear makeup anymore and the closet is no fun for me to look into because my work wardrobe has dwindled to a uniform of t-shirts and comfortable pants.

I am at home with my kiddos every day.  This is hard work and the most rewarding "job" I've ever had but it's very easy to lose your identity in the day to day tasks and the overwhelming responsibility of molding future stewards of this world.

When I'm not with my children I am shooting other families, weddings and portraits.  I'm wearing tennis shoes and shorts.  I generally come home with grass stains and twigs sticking from my hair with fresh new mosquito bites.  I love what I do but it's easy to become a ghost behind a lens, as though I never really exist.

Days when I'm not getting along with my husband, when there's been one too many tantrums, when the paycheck didn't stretch far enough, it's hard to remember just how blessed I am.  The saying goes that a picture is worth a thousand words.  Scanning through my folders upon folders of family images and scrolling through all the pictures on my Facebook feed make today so much easier to get through.  No matter what comes our way,  no matter how much deeper the lines around my eyes get in one day, no matter how dark I color my hair to cover the gray, I can sit and look at images of my family and know that I am loved.

But, let's face it.  Some days are just plain hard.  Some days it's easy to forget.  Today is one of those days.

Excuses, excuses

So, I'm late to the party on this one:

Let me just point out, I look nothing like Maria Kang.  I'm thin, yes, but I'm not a fitness model or a wellness coach.  I don't have three kids under the age of three.  That's pure insanity and kudos to those who can manage.  Odds are this woman was in fantastic shape prior to getting pregnant and during her pregnancy.  You don't just pop into the gym with an 8 month old, much less two other small children, and manage to look like this.  But I digress.

What's my excuse?

Well, I don't have one.

I have reasons.  Three really good reasons that fill up my newsfeed or Instagram account on a daily basis.  Three really pretty reasons, if I do say so myself.  I also have a small business and a church that I give some time to.  Up until last semester, I was also in school part time.  By the time I lay my head on my pillow, around midnight usually, my day has been filled with projects, clients, homework, cooking, cleaning and diapers.  And I love it.  That's my life.  That's my reason.

She's recently been under fire again with a new picture and a new "no excuse" campaign.  She's attempting to be "inspirational" and not understanding that her priorities don't equate to everyone else's priorities and that's really what this is all about.  She.  Just.  Doesn't.  Get.  It.

You can read the entire article here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/03/07/maria-kang-photo-excuse_n_4918766.html.

I go for gusto in everything I do.  To look like this I would have to spend a few hours a week in a gym.  That means something in my life would slip.  I'm not willing to give up that time with my family or my business or my church to make sure I'm a "hot mom."  Sister, we aren't all built to be "strong, not skinny."  These images and this "campaign" is unintentionally shaming people into thinking we don't do enough when the truth of the matter is that we all do too much.

In the article she says that to raise a healthy child you must be a  healthy parent.  Well, duh.  But healthy isn't all about the body.  My daughter doesn't need to see me pose in my short shorts and my sports bra to get the idea that eating right and staying active is healthy.  She needs to see me live a life of faith.  She needs to see me take care of her and interact with others in a positive way.

If these images motivate you then by all means use them!!!  If they don't, then don't.  My problem is this: these things have a way of burying themselves in your subconscious.  They pop up when you're doing something as insignificant as putting on your jeans that you don't wear like you did before the last kid.  Let's think about the definition of health and the definition of excuse.  Put these two things in perspective before attempting to "motivate" the world by insinuating that we're all a bunch of fat losers if we don't look like you.

Bitter?  No.  Irritated?  Yes.

My life is not her life.  My path is not her path.  My family is not her family.  I look the way I look and live the way I live because I want it that way.  No excuse to be found.

You are doing it wrong

What if I told you that you were doing your faith all wrong?  Would you get angry?  Of course you would.  I did.  But today’s methodology of following Christ is being lost in culture and it irks me to no end until I realized that I was trying to softly love people to God.  Sometimes you have to go all crazy tough love on people to get them to see the truth.  I can do that so easily with my family, my kids or my husband but I struggle with the general masses and most especially on the issue of faith.  Here's what's happening in a nutshell:

Conservative Christianity says you have to go by the law.

Progressive Christianity says you have to go by love.

The Truth says it is both.

It’s so easy to find your faith sucked into one of these two categories; thus the way to perdition is wide and the way to God is narrow.  It's easy to believe you are right when you have a large group that agrees with you on issues, uses the same verbiage or tactics but it does not make your way of going about it right.

Ephesians 2:8 says it is grace that saves us.  It is a gift.  None should boast because we are created by Him.  All of these other things are not as important as the true thing which is that we were created as a good work (Genesis 1:31) to perform good works (Ephesians 2:10).  Good works.  We are a good work required to perform good works.  Easy equation.  What about this is so hard? 

Created Good Work = Performer of Good Work

Here are some cultural issues related to what the two sides consider a "good work" and the fallacies that they are.

If your good work is protecting something that was given to you from someone less fortunate then you are lost.  If you feel as though you “worked hard” for something that God has blessed you with then your heart is not in the right place.  Working hard and a good work are two different things.  God placed provision for the orphan and the widow; it is your responsibility to care for them.  Secondly, if you’re more worried about how someone else’s life choices affect you and yours then you are blocking out the sun with the plank in your eye.  There is good news to be shared and that is that He loved the ENTIRE world, regardless of their sin, and sent His precious Son to die.  He DIED.  Why are we objectifying that sacrifice by deciding that sin has variable degrees?  Stop beating people over the head with the law and praying that they come to Christ.  It’s not going to work.

If your good work is making someone feel okay about their sinful choices then you are lost.  If you think that all people can arrive at the same God we serve by exploring other options then you are not a Christian.  It is plainly stated that there is only ONE way.  There are no Buddhist Christians.  That’s like saying you’re a carnivorous vegetarian.  It does not exist.  Stop telling people that sin is okay and hoping that they’ll see Jesus for the love He has for them.  Is it okay for your spouse okay to cheat on you as long as they’re happy?  No.  So don’t expect God to see your efforts as valiant if you cannot stand the thought of being honest and hurting someone’s feelings.  The truth must be spoken and in that regard tact goes a long way.

Jesus was the master at telling people the truth in a way that shocked and provoked thought.  Of course He offended people because the truth can be offensive...why shy away from lighting the way?  But I often ask myself if that was His only intention...to offend.  The answer is no.  He was sent to seek and save that which was lost (Luke 19:10) by the necessary means.  So let's merge these two ideologies and pull the truth out of our rears where we've seemed to have hidden it.  We need to spread the unconditional love of the God with the rebuke of sin on an individual basis.  A change in the heart has the potential to change society.  Make the Gospel a grassroots movement and not a political one.  That is how it started after all.

If something in this message offends you then perhaps you should start digging into it and figure out why it bothers you.  I’d love to hear your thoughts.  You will not insult me if you disagree. 

The woman I want to be

I want to be the woman who is exhausted.

I want to be the woman who has too many lines around her eyes.

I want to be the woman who is not well kept at all times.

I want to be the woman who is never flawless.

I want to be the woman whose hands are rough and dry.

I want to be the woman whose feet and back ache every night.

I want to be the woman who does more than she should.

I want to be the woman who asks for little in return.

I want to be the woman who makes the most of little and celebrates the lot.

I want to be the woman that despite all of these things her eyes sparkle because she knows that the people she loves most are well cared for and happy.  Those things make her happy.  Those things fulfill her day.  It may not be the life that she could have ever envisioned for herself but it's the one that makes her most content.

I want to be that woman.  There is honor in honest living.  Charm is deceptive.  Beauty is fleeting.  Love is eternal.

Proverbs 31:30-31

It's a Resolution, Baby!

Resolution is such a cliche term.  As overused as the word "awesome" and I don't like overused words or terms.  I have a list of words that I hate and will hide people on Facebook for using.  That's a post for another day.

Anywho, one year ending seems final and another beginning is hopeful.  Unfortunately, all those new gym memberships and organizational tools that we all buy because of our new hope will just fall into the land of forgotten resolutions about halfway into February.  So as I was taking a shower this morning I couldn't help but think about last year.

So before I decide to make a resolution (eww) I am going to reflect (ugh) on some of the things I learned in 2013 so that I can make some adjustments:

I learned that just because I am not working a 9 to 5 doesn't mean I have more time.  I am evaluating my business plan and I am taking time off from school to devote myself more fully to my husband and children.  Honestly, taking December off from both school and work has been the best thing for all of us.  Before the last few weeks, I cannot remember the last time I sat in front of the TV with my husband and kids and just hung out.  My face has been glued to a monitor for the last year and I'm pretty tired of it.  This isn't to say that I won't be working but I'll be doing less of it for people who really value what I do.  I ran into some doozies this year and I left those situations feeling empty and defeated.  Sometimes I forget that I choose who I work with as much as they choose me.

My 2014 adjustments (sounds so much better and more attainable, doesn't it?):

Slow down.  My kids will only be kids once.  My relationship with my husband as a romantic partner is just as important than the one I have with him as a parent.  I easily get caught up in the day to day but there are times that I need to stop and take in what is going on around me.  When I'm so busy buying groceries, organizing, getting WODs in and making sure all the bills are paid it's easy to miss that my family is missing me emotionally.  Relax.  Breathe.  Look around.  Sure, there's a giant pile of dishes in the sink and the floor you just mopped is filthy with cookie crumbs and scraps of arts and crafts but are my kids smiling?  Is my husband laughing?  If those sounds and sights are missing then I am missing.

And something I think we can all agree to:

Stop basing your life on what you know about what's viral and what's trendy.  Stop being outraged over the Phil Robertsons and Michael Moores of the world and make those around you see the light of Christ by reaching out in love.  There are real injustices, there are differing opinions (GASP!) and there are real and meaningful interactions right at your fingertips.  We are more connected as a globe as we've ever been.  Make those interactions count for the positive.  Most of all, if there is a disagreement it is simply that; a disagreement.  Just because someone thinks differently it doesn't mean they're personally insulting you.  Learn the difference.  Live in peace.

Happy New Year!

In with the new

With the new year and the return of routine (yay!), I have found focus and a renewed sense of purpose. It's so cliche to have resolutions but everybody's doing it and, yes, I would jump off a bridge if everyone did that, too.

I am ashamed to say that through the holiday season I didn't attend church. The whole month of December went by in a blur and I didn't go at all. Not even Christmas Eve saw my little behind planted where it should have been. The first Sunday of 2009 gave me a different view. I went and our pastor spoke on setting proper priorities. Geez. I get it! There's no balance for me. My foundation was shaken and I need to find my footing.

I've always been notoriously tunnel-visioned. I go beyond focus to a blinder's view of what I want to do and what I want to have happen and only begrudgingly tackle tasks that have to be done. I'm learning to be patient (but I don't wanna!) and I'm learning that God holds things for us in His perfect time. I've always known that but I've never put it into practice. I can honestly say that I am content with the way things are. I'm leveling out and I'm reframing my life around the things that are proper priorities.